ZOE

My ED made me question my own sense of who I was, my own value, my right to be here.

When I started to lose weight, everyone was telling me how good I looked.

“I was overweight as a child but we never talked about mental illness at school and it was never mentioned. I didn’t have any reference or was familiar with the problem, so there was not decision to do it, it just happened. Then, it became a ritual thing after school. I didn’t really know what was going on and I just thought I was a bit weird. I did go to see a GP but I didn’t look ill enough so they kind of brushed it over. After 6 months I stopped making myself sick, but the low self esteem stayed. I guess this is how I experienced bulimia for the first time.

Four years later, when I was 18, I moved to Cardiff to study at uni and I started going to the gym. I wanted to be an MMA fighter, so weight categories were obviously a significant thing and especially for women as there aren’t that many. At the same time, I also found myself in an abusive relationship, so it is quite hard to know where it all began. The big thing was that when I started to lose weight, everyone was telling me how good I looked. So, I thought: ‘ok! That’s good! This is me, I’m a good fighter now’.

I honestly didn’t even think there was anything wrong or that I was ill.

“I’d lost weight and I convinced myself that being a good athlete was to do with how much I weighed. I didn’t even think about the skills, the technique and everything else. However, because of the abusive relationship, I latched on to any good compliment I got and I became obsessed with ways of losing weight. During that time, I was having heart palpitations, almost passing out… but I didn’t get any help because I just thought it was what I had to do. I honestly didn’t even think there was anything wrong or that I was ill. I just thought that was life and adult relationships were like that. But Christmas changed everything. I know for a lot of people struggling with an Eating Disorder, Christmas time is quite stressful. For me, it was my intervention: I went home, I had some time away from my (now ex) boyfriend, I wasn’t extremely cutting out food and I enjoyed time with my family. After this, I started to get better for a while.”

I remember I was given a book about how eating too many potatoes might make you sad.

“When I was 20, we broke up. when that happened I developed bulimia again due to the sense of losing control. I got some counselling at uni for that, but they were not specialists in EDs. I remember I was given a book about how eating too many potatoes might make you sad. They weren’t helpful at all, and it was a very difficult time. Luckily, I got into a healthy relationship where he was supportive, but I still had problems with myself. I remember that being a particularly difficult case of bulimia compared to other previous experiences and I didn’t know how to stop. I just dealt with it on my own, which honestly took a long time. I would restrict and then binge. I just kept going up and down, going into different types of EDs. I think in many ways I thought I was doing a good thing by not being purging, but it developed to anorexic tendencies and binge eating.”

I did open up about my mental health because I wanted people to make sure I was safe too.

“From there, my head became less about the way I looked and more about what I could do. I started to get better when I decided to speak up. I started speaking because of an incident that took place with the ex-partner and I had to confront my experiences. However, it was difficult because I had to come to terms with the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. It was relieving but painful. I also needed to talk to my family, but I didn't know what to say. I decided to put it on Facebook and let my mum read it. I was also very open to anyone else who wanted chat about anything if they needed it too. There was so much in my head I couldn’t make sense of what happened, but writing it up and putting it out there was definitely therapeutic. I did open up about my mental health because I wanted people to make sure I was safe too.”

Being part of a team and having that kind of family really changed my approach to my body.

“During this time, I had a lot of counselling which helped me. But what helped me the most was joining the local American football team. Suddenly, people would tell me things such as: you are really strong and powerful! Being part of a team and having that kind of family really changed my approach to my body. And, a lot of bad stuff happened while I was on the team: I lost my grandparents, my friend took his own life... and that was so traumatic. It could have gone worse, but I kept telling to myself: ‘Look Zoe, you can’t relapse now, they need you to play because you are the best liner backer they have!’ That helped me to recover.

If I’m stressed or have a bad day I can feel myself in a spiral sometimes. When I’m in those bad places, the thoughts from the ex-partner often come back, and I think this is because a lot of my still unresolved issues come from that experience. Instagram is a tricky one because if people are managing to do certain things, to achieve certain goals... I will feel bad comparing to them. But everyone is different, everyone has got different stuff going on, different things to be doing... We all have different styles. I’m starting counselling again next week, and it is 10 years on and I wonder why I’m not fixed yet. Sometimes you may need to top up your mental health every now and then. I often try to take my own advice and be kind to myself.”

It feels strangely good to have people that also tell you about their struggles too.

“Recovery is different for everyone. Some people will literally never ever think about it ever again. I don’t really think about it or food that much, but if there is a traumatic memory or something, my head goes straight to that irrational thought. I know it is irrational, the key is to be aware that it is irrational and needs to stop. Sometimes I forget where I started from, and I need to remind myself to be gentle to myself. I do still compare myself with other people and hear these thoughts, so I give myself time and space to realize that there is a lot I recovered from.

Finding the balance is key. In my case, the connections with my team come into play. If I feel rubbish, I know I can speak to my friends from the team or to my coach. It feels strangely good to have people that also tell you about their struggles too. Communicating with my teammates, go for a coffee and having a chat makes you realize most people are feeling the exact same as you are. They have got so many good things to say about me but not themselves and I’m exactly vice versa. I think communication, the positive aspect of coaching, the football family and just talking... it’s the most important thing to me.”

I know if I can get through that, I can keep getting up. I can keep going, always.

“I wish I knew I deserved help, I thought someone else should have treatment instead of me because I wasn’t that bad. When I was in my lowest, about 14 years old, I wish I had more hope because I had a lot of suicidal tendencies and I self-harmed. I was absolutely hopeless. This is the most negative part of struggling with EDs; it made me question my own sense of who I was, it made me question my own value, my right to be here. I felt like I was nothing. But it also made me realize that I’m still here, that I’ve come to know myself through that trauma, that I am strong, I am resilient. I know if I can get through that, I can keep getting up. I can keep going, always.”