SARAH

I believe I suffered so that I can help others.

In some ways I was using hunger and starvation as a form of self-punishment.

“I have always been very active and did many sports competitively from the age of 7. When I was 15, I had an accident which required knee surgery and I was unable to to any activity for 3 months. I quickly became depressed as was so used to be active every day and I started to worry about putting on weight (as I had been bullied when I was younger for being larger than average), so I quickly became very obsessed with food and exercise. I think a few years before I developed anorexia, my mum already noticed I was quite reliant on exercise and would struggle when I had to rest. At the beginning, I wasn’t aware of the situation. I didn't realise that I was using food as a way to cope with my feelings, or how quickly the illness escalated. In some ways I was using hunger and starvation as a form of self-punishment and to deal with negative emotions and beliefs such as 'not being good enough for societies expectations'. I thought I had it under control but it soon started to control me. Within a year, I found myself completely lost, very ill and I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I knew I needed help as my close friends and family were very concerned.”

I thought I was getting better but, in reality, I transferred my obsession into body oriented sports.

“I visited a GP who fortunately, referred me quickly to the child and adolescent mental health department. Fortunately my county had a community support team of nurses, who visited me daily for meals and health checks, which prevented me from requiring inpatient treatment at the hospital.

During recovery, from both anorexia and my knee surgery, I decided I wanted to be strong. I put on weight and started going to the gym to put on muscle. At the time, I thought I was getting better because my mindset had changed and I had a more positive approach towards my body. However, in reality I transferred my obsession with food and exercise into competing in body oriented sports such as body building and powerlifting. Although I had recovered my body weight and physical health, these sports were still very much body weight and body image focused and I was still very controlling over my diet and missed out on a lot of social activities due to my compulsions.”

My struggles weren't only about food, they were deeper issues.

“The worst part of struggling with an eating disorder is the loneliness. I lost a lot of friends because of it. I would isolate myself because I was scared of what people would think, I was ashamed and I thought I was the only one. I felt crazy, helpless, like nothing in the world could cure the pain because nobody could understand my struggles. It’s not tangible and you can't rationalise it. I think because I was quite young at the time, no one knew how to cope or act around me. Mental health is so complex and individual that even from the perspective of someone who has suffered, it is really difficult to explain. I didn’t know how to express my pain or interact with the world anymore but I found comfort in restricting my food.

That being said, eating disorders are never only about food, it's much deeper than that. I’m lucky to have a couple of close people in my life who truly understood at the time I was suffering. I distinctly remember on my 18th birthday, my best friend bought me a cake so that we could eat it together. She was the only one who understood that my struggles weren't only about food, they were deeper issues. By that time, everyone else had written me off and would never invited me to events that involved food. So for me, that act of kindness and understanding really meant a lot. I never wanted to be left out and she encouraged me to join back in.”

I still carry this huge sense of shame, embarrassment and guilt.

“Eating disorders are about the way you perceive reality, and that means, mostly, the way you perceive your own self. There is a lot of stigma around disordered eating behaviours and mental health in general. I still carry this huge sense of shame, embarrassment and guilt, and I guess that’s mainly because the lack of acknowledgement and information around the topic. People have no idea what living with a mental illness looks like, and so I wish there were more awareness about the reality of dealing with it. I also believe that mental health care should be taught at schools. Having lessons about management with stress and approaching different coping mechanisms is vital.”

I wish I had known people are very different and so are our personalities.

“I wish I had had the skills to be self-aware and mindful, to know myself better and accept who I was. I wish I had known people are very different and so are our personalities. I’m not fully recovered but I am now self-aware and have the capacity to spot the triggers and be careful. I also talk freely and openly about mental health because it is what helps me to get through. I think it's great that more people are opening up about their struggles, so that hopefully people don't have to suffer in silence as much as they used to.”

I can try my best to raise awareness and to help people feel less alone in their suffering.

“Although I don’t have all the answers, I know I can try my best to raise awareness and to help people feel less alone in their suffering. I want people to know they are not alone and that no matter how trivial they think their problem is or who they are, I will take them seriously, give them my full attention and always be there to listen. I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe I suffered so that I can help others.”