RAQUEL

Anorexia is a constant fight with one self, with one's mind.

I knew something was wrong because I was constantly hungry and exhausted.

"Everything started the summer I went to England. It was the first time I was by myself and I saw an opportunity to do whatever I wanted and take my own decisions. I liked the idea of being in control so I started controlling food. It was exciting at the beginning, it felt good and I was powerful.  

However, within one month I had lost a lot of weight. I don't know how it happened, but Anorexia soon took control over. I knew something was wrong because I was constantly hungry and exhausted. When I came back home my mum forced me to go to the doctor. He said I needed to be hospitalized but my parents wanted to try other options first so they found a psychiatrist who we would see once or twice a week.  

I hated the psychiatrist because I thought I could manage the situation by myself. When you are unwell, you think everyone is against you. I was suspicious and didn't trust anyone. That's mainly because I had an inner voice telling me what to think and how to act. I wanted to be myself but the voice always won.  I became an arrogant and a very manipulative person.”

My physical appearance improved but my mental health just got worse.

“Two years had past and after many threatens and arguments with my parents and doctors, I saw the papers with my name ready so that I could be hospitalized as soon as possible.  It hit me hard. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't understand. I realized my dreams would be over. And that's when I decided to get better and really wanted to fight Anorexia.   

I started to put on weight. My physical appearance improved but my mental health just got worse. It was very hard. I cried because I was eating. I also cried because my body would reject whatever I ate. Whenever I won a battle, I was losing another one. I didn't know how to handle the situation and felt depressed.”

My biggest fear was food. Then, it was to think I'd never recover.

“I lost what I loved the most: my control, my obsession. The voice was still there telling me: you are the worst person ever and I'll never leave you. It was mentally exhausting to the point I wanted to die, I didn't want to live anymore. I felt miserable, exhausted and lost. I didn't have many references of people who were fully recovered, so I thought I would always carry that burden. My biggest fear was food. Then, it was to think I'd never recover. 

Recovery is hard. The public access to treatment is just wrong. It's mainly focused on BMI and that's ok BUT it almost feels like a punishment because you must be extremely unwell to be accepted for the treatment. All they expect you to do is gain weight. But that's not what an ED is about. The problem wasn't the food I was eating. The problem was on my mind, and that's what I needed to speak about: my depression, my fears, my suicidal thoughts. I wish I had known how to speak to my parents without worrying them.  I never attempted suicide, but I wanted to die.  It can be shocking because suicide is hugely stigmatized, but speaking about it has such a positive impact.”

I learned to prioritize and understood what really matters in life.

“I'm privileged because my parents could afford private treatment and I'm forever thankful for their support. My psychiatrist helped me throughout all the journey, and we would set realistic goals focusing on my feelings. She never forced me to do anything I couldn't. Anorexia strengthen the relationship with my family as we got closer. We trusted each other. I also had to learn to understand myself, to accept my feelings and prioritize what really matters. SELF-AWARENESS is the most important lesson I learned from Anorexia. I learned to prioritize and understood what really matters in life. Beauty goes beyond anything we can think of. As cliche as it sounds, beauty is skin deep. 

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!

I'd like people who are in a similar situation to know that recovery is possible. It is a slow process and different for everyone. I didn't believe it but it is. One day I just realized I didn't hear the voice anymore. It was gone. My life is not controlled by food anymore. I know I will never go back to where I was.   

For those who can't understand, I'd say that Anorexia is not a choice, at least I would never ever choose to be as sick as I was. It's very important people understand that Anorexia is not about following a model. Anorexia is about self-perception, and that goes much deeper than just wanting a great body. Nobody tells you that Anorexia is not about following a standard, a routine or a choice you make to feel better. Anorexia is a constant fight with one self, with one's mind. And that is the most difficult battle I have ever fought. Mental health awareness is fundamental to survive, and so is speaking about it.”

Raquel has finally finished Medical School and she recently graduated, a dream come true.

All photos are taken during a videocall on Zoom, Barcelona-Bournemouth. May 2021