MARIA

To my younger self: being true to yourself is the best thing you can ever do

It was such a stupid thing to do, but I accepted.

“It all started when I was a baby. Since my early years, my mum struggled a lot because she couldn’t breastfeed me as I would reject it. Some years had passed, and all of a sudden I started to love food and would eat compulsively. I became a very big girl, so my mum visited a nutritionist. This is how I started my first diet ever when I was only 7 years old.

I have always been bullied at school because of the way I looked. In the morning or after lunch break, other kids (mainly boys) would make a circle around me to say all kind of mean words and make fun of me. I remember one day, some girls stole my things and threw them for no reason. I was a very sensitive child and would usually take things too seriously, but I didn’t deserve that. When I arrived home, I vomited because of the stress and started to cry. I wasn’t alone though, I had my group of friends who I had a lot of fun with. I also was friends with this girl who was a bit older than me and lived in the city, so I kind of looked up to her. She was a big kid and loved eating, too. However, during the teenage years, she lost a lot of weight and became obsessed with her body. She tried to motivate me to follow her steps in order to lose weight. One day, she arrived with a bunch of weight loss pills and suggested me to take them. I thought well, she is my friend, she wouldn’t force me to do anything harmful. It was such a stupid thing to do, but I accepted.”

The drop that spilled the cup and triggered my bulimia

“At the age of 15, I started dating a guy and I ended up being in a very toxic relationship. I think he never said anything about my body, but his friends did. I also knew he was embarrassed about me and would celebrate other girls' thinness; that was the drop that spilled the cup and triggered my bulimia. I would make myself sick only when I felt bad, but it soon became a daily routine. Nobody knew about it, I didn’t say a word, I didn’t speak about it; it was my precious secret. During that time, one of my friends from high school was on treatment for her Anorexia and Bulimia nervosa. She was very open about it and shared her thoughts and feelings with me. She also would tell about her conversations with the counsellor. I felt comfortable asking her questions and discuss about the issue. In a way, I could relate to her story; this is how I realized I was experiencing something similar. Thanks to this, I understood that I also had a problem, and for the first time, I didn’t feel alone.

However, I couldn’t relate to everything she did. I would have similar behaviors but not entirely. I didn’t really know what was going on with me. I had been obsessed with food much before that and for many other reasons. I lost weight and gained weight randomly as I never followed a pattern. People would say: anorexia means you don’t want to eat, and bulimic people throw up. This is all I knew. I did either. I binged until the point I would secretly go to the kitchen at night when everyone else slept, but also took pills and wouldn’t eat for a while. It just didn’t make sense. I continued making myself sick and people didn’t notice because I looked “normal”. It was easy to hide. Luckily, my mum and my grandmother, who I usually ate with, noticed I was acting weird, mainly because I spent hours in the toilet after every meal. The more they tried to talk to me, the more I refused to accept I was out of control.”

EDs can’t be seen, they are a mental illness.

“I stopped making myself sick because the physical pain was unbearable. My body hurt, my stomach hurt, I was always in pain and I couldn’t handle it anymore. So, I decided to fight by myself as I could. My ED is not diagnosed, I never went to therapy or received treatment. So I knew if I wanted to fight, I needed to find other alternatives and my own resources. I researched on websites, blogs, articles... or just try to have conversations about the topic with my closest friends. I also watched TV and Youtube programs such as “You don’t ask that”or GenPlayz that have helped me to understand better what EDs really are by approaching the issue in a more realistic way rather than with a stigmatized image. I clearly struggled with bulimia and binge eating disorder, but also had specific behaviors of other EDs such as Anorexia.

During this self-awareness journey, I met my boyfriend. He has been very supportive and straight forward with me. At the beginning of the relationship, he told me: I will not be able to love you until you do. He patiently taught me to embrace who I am. It’s very important to accept that you have a problem in order to get help. I needed to accept it so that others could help me, too. Only 4 people know about what’s going on. I don’t have any problem to talk about it but nobody else asked me neither. I understand is a bit difficult because EDs can’t be seen, they are a mental illness. The physical appearance doesn't represent a person's struggles, even less If you look like I do, I’m just a regular girl.

Recovery is a long journey through your insecurities and fears.

I’m not recovered yet, but I’m totally aware of my situation. I’m working on my self-esteem and relationship with food. I try to learn how to not feel guilty after eating certain foods because it will lead me to start a restrictive diet. I want to go out and have dinner with my friends without thinking about the consequences. Every day is an achievement. I know that because my life is not controlled by my actions; it’s been years I don’t make myself sick, I don’t cut off certain foods and I enjoy life. Today, I still check myself in every mirror. I don’t know if recovery is possible, but at least, I’m trying. I’m scared of not being able to fully recover because it’s easy to relapse. I have relapsed so many times. What triggers my disordered eating is my mental health. Whenever I feel down or can’t cope with a situation during stressful moments or just because I have a bad day, I need to be careful and make an extra effort not to use food as a coping mechanism. Recovery is a long journey through your insecurities and fears. It is all about understanding and accepting oneself. I must oblige myself to keep fighting. Sometimes I want to binge, sometimes I’m not hungry at all. Some days I just don’t think anything at all.”

I’d wished for so long to be skinny, to be different, to change who I was

“Right now, I’m the only one who can hurt me. My mind is the most dangerous and valuable asset I’ve got. The worst part about having an ED is that the person you like the least is yourself. I’d wished for so long to be skinny, to be different, to change who I was that I don’t feel anything when people compliment my body. I don’t care anymore. From one part I appreciate it but from another one I think: so what? My weight doesn’t determine my worth. I think the reason why we have a bad relationship with our body is just because the goal is not embracing it but sacrificing it in order to be liked. And I get that, we all are concerned about the way we look. The question is: what’s the limit? How far can we go?

Critical thinking is necessary to unlearn what we’ve been taught. We’ve normalized so many toxic behaviors because we’ve been raised surrounded by role models who are skinny, beautiful women. I think social media is a good way to deconstruct the beauty standard and the diet culture. Instagram reinforces the status quo but it also questions it. You just need to find the right people who fight to broaden the female stereotype. There are also more people speaking up about their own issues and it feels great because it reminds me I’m not the only one out there.

That’s why I value authenticity. In order to love yourself, first you need to find out who you really are. If I could talk to my younger self, I’d say: ‘being true to yourself is the best thing you can ever do’.