JAMES
I just thought if I disappeared, then they would look.
At some point, I got paranoid that when I walked to school a car would crush because I looked so ugly.
“I started puberty very young. My voice changed when I was 8 years old which is early for a boy, and I grew to the height I’m now when I was 12, so I really stood out. I became kind of an alien. That made me feel really uncomfortable with my body and I got to the point where I thought my body was somehow problem. It got worse with school being very difficult as I was bullied because of the way I looked. So, I arrived at the conclusion that in order to avoid being bullied, I had to look in a certain way. Basically, the idea of being accepted or fitting in could only be achieved by being in control of my body.
I had a lot of issues with body image before I lost any weight. I was doing lots of rituals, and I was first diagnosed with OCD. I would take 5 or 6 hours to get ready, washing or cutting my hair every day, doing all these very obsessive, repetitive behaviours. In the end, I couldn’t even go to school because I was taking so much time to get ready that I couldn’t barely leave the house. At some point, I got paranoid that when I walked to school a car would crush because I looked so ugly. So, I couldn’t go on the road or couldn’t get to school. I ended up just not going and would be just walking around parks all day, every day. The school noticed I wasn’t going to class, but they didn’t say anything until almost one year later. To be honest, it wasn’t a very good school, but I also got away with it because I did very well in exams. They just thought they didn't have to worry about me. I did a lot of music as well growing up, so I just said I was doing my music courses. When my parents found out they were angry but quickly, we realized it was a serious problem.”
I was never asked about my thoughts or how I really was.
“I was sent to mental health services at 15 because of OCD and body dysmorphia. The treatment was about taking all the mirrors off the house which obviously didn’t work because the problem was beyond that, and I was never asked about my thoughts or how I really was. Nobody asked me that. They were just like “ok you are a bright, you'll do well, you have a problem, we'll fix it.” But they didn’t. I had a lot of emotional difficulties and pain. I felt no one was listening so, I asked myself "what do I have to do to be seen?” I just thought if I disappeared, then they would look.
I chose to lose weight, I decided it. It was such a difficult choice that I'm not proud of, but I didn't have other options. The first step was to lose weight, the next thing would be to get attention, but I didn’t. This is how I started a battle with anorexia that lasted almost 6 years, from the age of 15 until 21. In Wales, where I’m originally from, there were no services for EDs until 2009. So, I had no treatment at all, just some physical health management. I went to the psychiatrist for my OCD, and although the doctors kept seeing me with anorexia, they weren’t specialist in disordered eating behaviours. In fact, doctors were blaming me, and it mostly felt like a constant threat. I felt nobody was on my side.”
I think me losing weight was my own way of expressing something I didn’t even have words for.
“I find traumatic this idea of nobody being able to see you. I thought nobody in the world could really understand my situation and my struggle. I remember being in the hospital after getting very sick, when the doctor said: ‘why can't you just eat?’ As if it was about food. In that moment, I realized that nobody was going to stop in and help me. I became so absorbed with everything being about food and weight that I couldn't talk about all the emotional stuff underneath it. And that was my way of communicating it. I think me losing weight was my own way of expressing something I didn’t even have words for. I couldn’t speak about it, like if that part of me was just shut off. When I gained weight again, people thought I was better, but the reality is that emotionally, so many old feelings and intrusive thoughts came back, and I was unstable for a long time.”
You are almost told that it is not enough, that you are not sick enough.
“When I was around 20, I was really unwell, had to drop out of uni, I was all day buying food, eating it, being sick, and I was really underweight. So, I went to the GP, explained what was going on and she said that it was attention seeking. I think the worst part is not being heard, I find it really frightening. You are almost told that it is not enough, that you are not sick enough. I thought about suicide every day. I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to kill myself.
When I was 22, a new set up of EDs services was open in Wales. I finally got treatment that did help because it looked to all the emotional stuff, and I felt somebody finally could understand me. They were helpful; they took me through me being always at risk of dying to suffer severe bulimia, but still, was more safe. Since then, I have been stuck with this bulimia habit. But in these days is not really emotional or psychological, it is more a physiological thing that I am working on.
I’m not fully recovered. I'm in recovery, but I still experience bulimia. Something that was missed in my treatment was the connection between ADHD and bulimia. I recently saw a psychiatrist who explained me that because I’m always needing something to do, moving, exercising... getting stimulus, my body has got used to bulimia being one of them, it is craving a sensation. I’ll still be learning why I have what I have. I'm happy to talk about that because I don't see it as my fault anymore. I'm very comfortable in my skin and I don't view that I need to look in a certain way for other people. Now, I don't do what I do because body image, but because if I don't move, I get a lot of pain.”
People do the best to make the best choices they can with the best options they have.
“The conversation about choices is a difficult one. I’m a bit unpopular sometimes, because I chose to lose weight the first time, without knowing where it would take me. It is somehow a choice, but it is not a free choice or a lifestyle one. I personally think people do the best to make the best choices they can with the best options they have. If for whatever reason, you get into a place in your life where an ED is the only choice available to you, or it is presented as an option, then that is where you go. I think there weren't many choices available for me. If I was given other options like better treatment or more understanding, I probably wouldn’t have chosen it. That’s why we want to make sure people have other choices, but right now it is not the case.”
James is, among many other things, a Yoga teacher. During one of his classes, he said: “Yoga is all about connection, it is not necessarily about achieving.” James has found in yoga a way to connect his body with his feelings and to express himself through movement.