GEORGE
If I hadn’t broken down to the dust, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate each spec.
It was a constant circle of dissatisfaction with my body.
“During my childhood, I lived in a difficult situation at home because my dad was an alcoholic (He is now recovered and spends every day helping others who are going through difficult circumstances). Due to the chaos and exhaustion around the home environment, I never really engaged in real conversation or social activities with others. When I was 10, I discovered rugby and it quickly became my life. It made people like me, it gave me something to be passionate about and something I could define myself in. However, when I was 13 I broke my spine, which led to approximately 12 months of recovery. I could never play rugby again and for 1 whole year I didn’t see my friends or go to school. I found comfort in food, and I gained a significant amount of weight. When I was back at school, people wouldn’t tell me much, but I knew they noticed I was bigger and it was obvious that they were treating me differently. I wasn’t comfortable with it, so I decided to change the way I looked.
Everyone congratulated and encouraged me because I was overweight, so there was really nothing to worry about. Losing weight was apparently a good idea because it was also helpful for a quick surgery recovery. My spine surgeon tried to get me to come in and do talks to the other people who recently had a surgery to try to teach them how to lose weight as fast as I was because it was seen as a wonderful thing. In reality, what happened was that I took on a disordered eating behaviour and I soon developed behaviours and thoughts similar to anorexia.
After some time, somewhere along the line, my goal changed from wanting to be thinner to wanting to be bigger and fitter. As a man, I have been taught the idea that muscularity is directly related to masculinity, so there was no point in being slim anymore and I needed to change that. It became a problem because when I got bigger, I wanted to get leaner, when I got leaner, I needed to be bigger. It was a constant circle of dissatisfaction with my body. I didn’t really know how to handle it and I found myself making me sick after every meal.”
The “Bad George” was the collection of every little failure I experienced and I would hide that from everyone.
“It got worse when I started university. During the first year of my undergraduate degree, I felt constant fear, confusion and was desperate for people to like me. The uncertainty and not being able to handle my emotions, led to a surge in binge eating. At one point I had not left my room for 3 weeks and had ordered pizza every day, eating as much as possible. On top of this, and due to the difficulty of dealing with my feelings, the relationships I had at uni were kind of a guessing game for me and it would lead to uncontrollable fear that I didn’t understand. In the middle of this chaos, I decided to visit a counsellor, who highlighted what soon led to a diagnoses of Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Together, we worked to develop my emotional and social intelligence.
One of the things that we talked about in counselling was the idea that I seemed to have these two aspects of my personality or my being in general. Which is something often associated with people who suffer from BED. Basically, I had this version of me that was the “Good George” and this other version that was the “Bad George”. I would present myself to everyone as the “Good George” because I was ashamed of everything the “Bad George” did. Good George went to the gym, he ate in a healthy way, worked really hard, studied hard and never did anything wrong. But on the other hand, the “Bad George” was the collection of every little failure I experienced, the way we all do in life. I had to hide that from everyone because, for me, everything needed to be perfect. That’s why I always kept them separate and made sure people could only meet the good side of me.”
Recovery is not a black or white matter
“Counselling helped me to understand myself better and accept who I am. I know how a constant battle with poor mental health feels, and it is certainly not true that I have overcome mental health issues entirely. I don’t like to say that I’m recovered or still in recovery because this is not the way I see it. To explain it like this, people often look at things in a pathogenic way, as a black or white matter, where we will think “you are fine” or “you are not fine”. In my case, I tend to think in a more salutogenic manner, an approach to wellness focusing on health and not on disease. On one side, we find the healthy part and on the other side, the unhealthy or bad one. We all kind of move across that spectrum. Before, I used to spend more time on the bad/unhealthy side and occasionally I would go to the healthy side; whereas now, I tend to hang around the mid to healthy side. I still definitely have moments, probably once or twice a month, when something stresses me out or something happens and makes me move towards that bad side. But now, I’m much more equipped to pull myself back to the healthy part.
The worst part of eating disorders is that it negates everything positive about you.
“I think external and internal factors affect my mental health. Instagram, for example, is a constant comparison with others, not only body wise but also seeing other’s success and achievements. And that’s part of our nature because I believe we work on comparisons; we all see ourselves with multiple different hierarchies, with friends, work, society etc. I think that evolutionary we have to compare in order to be successful. Although struggling with your theoretical place within these hierarchies can be horrible, I also think that people who struggle the most with that comparison tend to be the gifted ones because they feel they are not enough.
For me, the worst part of eating disorders is that it negates everything positive about you. I thought I wasn’t enough, I was the crazy one and nobody felt the same as I did. I couldn’t help but feel like the odd one out in this world and in the communities I found myself in (Gym/fitness/sports). Eventually, my counsellor suggested I share the “Bad George” with more people. I found the more I shared the more I learnt that it was a common feeling amongst the people around me, the other people involved in the gym and sport. We all needed a place where we could unlock the real us by seeing similar stories and sharing our own. We are all terrified that we are the only one experiencing the uncertainty and the chaos of life within this community. So, I created MyoMinds, an organisation dedicated towards demystifying mental health and making sharing mainstream.”
My experience has forced me become more self-aware and to have a unique perspective on the world and people.
If it wasn’t for the downs, I wouldn’t be so in love with the ups. If I hadn’t broken down to the dust, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate each spec. That’s probably why I value intelligence and learning. I want to be seen as someone who is smart and wise because I learn from my experience. I’d like to be seen as someone who’s learnt from the issues and the struggles and always combines that with seeking out knowledge. I had to zoom out in order to understand what was going inside myself. My experience has forced me become more self-aware and to have a unique perspective on the world and people. This is what allows me now to help others understand their journey.
