CARLA

I wish someone had told me it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t wrong, Anorexia is.

Within 2 months, I had restricted almost every meal until the point I was barely eating.

“I have always been a perfectionist and very self-demanding. I wanted to be the best at everything I did. And that translated also into gymnastics. I absolutely loved the sports and was passionate about it. At the age of 17 I quit to continue school and I just felt empty. There was something missing in my life and I started to feel down. It was a very reflective time when I got to the conclusion that the only one thing I wasn’t perfect at was my body. To be honest,  I didn’t see myself as a fat person. I was happy with my body and I embraced it. But I soon realized I didn’t fit in the standard because I didn’t look as I was supposed to. So I took control over my body.

I distinctly remember the exact moment when everything started. I watched “To the bone”, a movie about a young girl that is hospitalized because of anorexia nervosa, and I thought I had will enough to stop eating and be skinny too. I saw myself as this strong girl with will power being capable of not eating and have it under control. For me, it was an exciting challenge so the next day I just skipped dinner. Within 2 months, I had restricted almost every meal until the point I was barely eating. My life was all about counting calories and planning the best way to burn them later.”

I wasn’t treated as someone with issues but as a sick person who couldn’t get better.

“My family and I always eat together. My mother saw I was progressively cutting off food and I’d often say I was stressed or I wasn’t hungry. 2 months past and we went to the doctor.  He said I was healthy, and it was only a phase every teenage girl experiences. My hair was breaking and falling, my period stopped, and I was always cold. My mum knew something wasn’t right and 2 weeks later I did another blood test. This time, the results showed I was malnourished.  I was given a “test period” to see if I got better. Once a week, I would visit a nurse for a follow up to check I registered my meals in a notebook. I also had about 3-4 sessions with a psychiatrist during a couple of months.

I had access to treatment, but the treatment didn’t work. I was never asked about my problems, thoughts or feelings.  It was all about punishment. If I didn’t follow the rules, if I didn’t gain weight, I would need to take medication.  I wasn’t treated as someone with issues but as a sick person who couldn’t get better. The doctor was literally waiting for me to get worse so that he could write a the anti-depressants prescription. I restricted food, and the doctor restricted everything else in my life. I missed out the year of 18ths birthdays and parties.  I self-isolated myself and felt depressed.”

I didn’t recover because of treatment, I recovered thanks to my mum.

“The 4th time I went to see my psychiatrist, he said I needed to take medication. I freaked out. After the appointment, I cried my eyes out and told my mum: “I’m scared. I want to get better but I can’t eat. Please, help me to end this”.  

 I didn’t recover because of treatment, I recovered thanks to my mum.  What saved me was freeing myself talking to my mum. She listened to me and was very supportive giving me hope to keep fighting. She patiently respected my times and kept me company throughout the process. The beginning of my recovery was the first day I went grocery shopping with her. Together, we organized the meals and slowly introduced more food into my diet. Recovery is tough. It took me time to enjoy eating again without fear.”

Discussion doesn't trigger the problem; it raises awareness.

“The public access for treatment doesn’t work, at least it doesn’t work in Spain. Family is one of the most forgotten aspects of EDs. Parents, relatives... should be taken into consideration when it comes to treatment. Mental illnesses are not an isolated phenomenon but a contextual one and should be openly spoken about.  We are so used to see one single representation of what a person with an ED looks like that when I speak about Anorexia, people imagine this young skinny white girl who is extremely unwell.  Discussion doesn't trigger the problem; it raises awareness and creates a space where people could ask for help without embarrassment or guilt.  

My advice for those who are worried about someone else is to avoid comments such as “I think you are sick, you look bad, you are skinny...” or mention the word Eating Disorder. We must forget about all the appearance or physical impact to focus on their emotions. I’d bring it up asking about their feelings, creating a safe space where we both can feel comfortable.”

Time has taught me to understand it wasn’t all about me

“I wish someone had told me it wasn’t my fault. Because of the shame, I kept avoiding the issue and thought I could end it any time. I lied to myself just to cover the pain. I thought I didn't deserve help. Time has taught me to understand it wasn’t all about me. I wasn’t wrong, Anorexia is. That’s why having access to specialized treatment is so important. I don’t think I will ever fully recover. I just live with it. Christmas, Easter and summer holidays are the most triggering times of the year.  I’m still learning to accept my feelings and to be aware that my size doesn’t determine my value.  

Lockdown has been difficult for me because when restrictions were lifted, I was concerned about my appearance. I obsessively thought what I would wear, the way others would see me after so long, if they’d notice I gained weight... I felt the fear was making me lose control again. I knew I couldn’t manage the situation by myself and reached out a professional nutritionist who reminded me that losing weight is not about starvation.  

I love food and enjoy eating. But I’m not brave enough to go on a scale. Speaking with others, having conversation about Eating Disorders and following people on Instagram who post the reality behind the photos helps me to keep learning. Diversity, inclusivity, realness... is what we need to free ourselves and embrace who we are.”