LARA
I lost my identity and the sense of the self. I wasn’t Lara, I was anorexic.
The fact that my little secret was known by other people was very scary.
When I was 11 years old I started with disordered thoughts and began developing negative body image and low self-esteem. I was suffering regular anxiety attacks at school. I was craving a sense of control, so restrictive eating was a subconscious coping mechanism that gave me a feeling of control, a distraction. My eating disorder was rooted from a difficult period of my lifetime where I was mourning a coping mechanism and I went to a very unhealthy mentality. I originally went to this disordered eating behaviour because I wanted control, but very quickly the eating disorder was controlling me. Without realizing, it became obsessive.
When I was 14, the counsellor from my school noticed something was going on, spoke to my teacher and then, my teacher told my mum, so we went to the GP who diagnosed me with Anorexia Nervosa. At that time, the word didn’t resonate with me as I didn’t think I had a problem, I just I didn’t want anyone interrupting my weight loss because I thought they would sabotage it and prevent me getting to my goal. For safety reasons, it was told to my teachers and different people, so everybody acknowledged I was unwell. I was put on this path that was overwhelming and very scary in the sense that people were aware of what was going on with me and it felt like if I released all my control. In a way, I found comfort in living my life to satisfy my eating disorder. I know now that it was for my benefit but at the time, I was so intoxicated and so engrossed with the emotion of solely living my life for the mental health illness that having somebody come in was threatening. After that, the weight really fell because my disorder had acknowledgement, people knew about it and I just needed that extra addition of control. The fact that my little secret was known by other people was very scary. I’m determined and stubborn, and that’s why my anorexia was very “successful”.
During the treatment, all they worried about was about the graphs and I was seeing as number on a scale.
I gradually got worse and worse. When I was 15, I went to France to spend a 2 weeks holidays but after 2 days I was flown back directly to get treatment in CAMPS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). I was given the shock factors and the awareness that my situation needed to change, so I know now that was very positive. I had a counsellor who I visited a couple of times, but I didn’t feel comfortable telling my story to a stranger and I was getting exhausted of having to explain it to everyone. To be fair, I was a difficult person to treat and at that time I was very secretive still, so I wasn’t completely conveying my own story. However, it didn’t really work for me. The treatment was mainly based on meal plans and weight gain. It just felt as if they were the enemies, they were constantly weighting me and measuring my blood pressure. They didn’t really take into consideration my mental health, all they worried about was the graphs and I was seeing as number on a scale.
Hunger was pain that I enjoyed and that was my punishment and my self-harm
For me, the worst part was the isolation and loneliness. Over the years, I suffered from anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, and -still suffer- from body dysmorphia. Being on my own was the only way that I could completely put all effort into the anorexia, and that’s what it happens when you are in this anorexic mindset. It convinced me that I had to comply to it and only live to satisfy it. Hunger was pain that I enjoyed and that was my punishment and my self-harm. Bones were a victory for me and were my safety. I developed these little habits, traits and different tricks where I could satisfy my eating disorders. I'd figure out ways to hide the fact that I was purging away from my family. I didn’t do it intentionally, I just did it because the anorexic voice was telling me I needed to lose weight. I needed this control, I needed anorexia in my life, I needed to satisfy the voice because I thought that was the only thing that would provide me with value and happiness.
The shit that I went through still affects the way I live my life.
I lost my identity and the sense of the self. I wasn’t Lara, I was anorexic. I got exhausted and didn’t like the secrets anymore. My recovery began when I realized there were so many things I wanted to achieve and prove in life, that I wasn’t even close to do because of my mental illness. So, I found hope and ambition which pushed me to keep going. I rediscovered running and found in sports a relief. I wanted to be strong and started to think of exercise in terms of performance instead of body image as a goal. I also wanted to be a role model for my baby sisters, I wanted to be somebody that they could look up to and this is what I’m still trying to do now. When you take the time to actually think about your experience and acknowledge what you have been through, it hurts the heart because it reminds you the worst, darkest side of it. The shit that I went through still affects the way I live my life. I’m acknowledging it more and realizing it more than I used to. But I still have habits and rituals that works as a protective mechanism due to everything that I experienced when I was younger.
I'm consciously never stepping on a scale because I irrationally think that number will represent my value.
First, I had to understand my mindset and be open minded. Just because I restored my weight, doesn’t mean that recovery is not on going. I still fight the voices and the anorexic tendencies. But it is definitely not as bad as it was. I am very healthy now, I have a good relationship with food in comparison to what I had three years ago but I still struggle sometimes. When I was at my worst in 2016 I was Lara but I was also Ana and Mia in my head. Back then, it was 90% the eating disorder, 10% me but now those statistics have almost flipped and it's just more of me and less of the disorder. I know how my relationship with food works and I've got safe and non safe foods being aware that's not healthy to have. I haven't weighed myself in about 4 years and I'm consciously never stepping on a scale because I irrationally think that number will represent my value. I know it's absolutely irrational and silly but this is what has been ingrained within me.
I have normalized the diagnosis and understood my mind, my mental health conditions and I’m now able to implement coping mechanisms that help me to get through. Mental health illnesses can often get ridiculed due to the stigmas attached to it. Not many people can appreciate the fact that we haven’t chosen it. It wasn’t my decision to be depressed or to have panic attacks. It is something that I struggled with genuinely. We should normalize conversations about it and accept the fact that people suffer with this, it is hard, it sucks. There is so much focus on solely physical health whereas, in reality, we’ve really got to take a step back and actually acknowledge the importance of keeping your mind healthy.
For those who are struggling: there is hope! You have to believe it, that’s all it needs
I wish I had known I wasn’t alone. Speaking up doesn’t determine you are weak. The scariest step was to acknowledge that I was who I was and the eating disorder was not my identity, because I felt very vulnerable. Now, it is not something I feel as a weakness. It has taken years for me to appreciate that. I have learnt to feel empowered by the fact that I have been able to build and grow myself and develop as an individual as time has progressed despite being labelled and diagnosed with disorders and mental illnesses. I got to know myself in a deeper way and that has given me the freedom and ability to create such strong and honest friendships that I’m incredibly grateful for. Despite all the difficulties, I have an amazing family that has supported me throughout the journey. I wouldn’t have gained all of these amazing relationships otherwise. I definitely appreciate every little thing, and I have the capacity of really seeing and connecting with all the things alive out there in the world. For those who are struggling: there is hope! You have to believe it, that’s all it needs. It will be gradual, slow, painful and tough, but you have to trust yourself and understand that you can definitely make it.
