HANNAH

I like to think that my ED has equipped me with skills for life

There’s a reason you’re using food as a coping mechanism and that’s what you have to target.

I never felt like I fit in at school. I think my eating disorder developed because I wanted to fit in, be pretty, be more outgoing, and being thinner seemed a really easy option to achieve it. One of my most distinctive memories was a very popular girl at school telling me how great I looked after losing weight. That external validation just made me feel I had a lot more about me. The problem was that I wasn’t really overweight but I saw myself as top end of my groups of friends, so during my eating disorder, I actually lost a third of my body weight in 6 months. My body didn’t want to go any lower so I never got to a very low BMI. I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia when I was 14 years old. Atypical anorexia itself is a confusing name, because it’s not all that atypical being more common than anorexia nervosa. In simple terms, I had all of the anorexia characteristics without the severely low BMI. I did still have all the psychological thoughts like constantly thinking about food, hating my body, need to get rid of every calorie I consumed and I really struggled to interact with other people. I also had all the characteristics of somebody with anorexia such as the perfectionism, the rigidity… being given the diagnosis of atypical anorexia was quite challenging because I failed in one “simple” goal I couldn't even manage, which was losing weight.

I had family therapy for 6 months, but because they never explained that this wasn’t to fix my already fantastic family relationships, I sort of checked out before we began. They just checked my blood pressure, weight, and I was asked if I followed the meal plan. I found it especially hard to follow the meal plan because my mum has always cooked healthy food, so going from eating oats for breakfast to having to eat chocolate cereals was a struggle. When no one else in the house was doing that, why should I? It made it quite challenging because my mum believed they could still help me put on weight following a good healthy diet. I needed to combat the fact that I had an uncomfortable relationship with processed food but, equally, eating disorder recovery isn’t just about facing foods you find scary. There’s a reason you’re using food as a coping mechanism and that’s what you have to target. Yes, I needed to become more comfortable around food but I needed to voice my emotions more, and that’s what I missed out on. I left and I thought I would go my own way. To be fair, I didn’t do a bad job, but the healthy food “excuse” became really easy to mask my disordered thoughts. I still had so many rules and it became worse. I would use the stress and the concerns around my A-Levels as an excuse not to eat a lot and I was overexercising every day.

I thought that having an eating disorder would make me fun and outgoing. But it didn’t.

I think it is personal to everybody, so I’m going to speak purely for myself. I distinctly remember the day I decided I didn’t want to eat. We were in a caravan and my mum offered me a French fancy, which I rejected and when we got home I pretended to be ill not to have dinner. From that day I stopped eating. I did decide not to eat that day, but after a month, there was no choice anymore. It was the only way of coping, the only way to go through anything. I didn’t like the idea of being sick, so I came up with other ways of reducing my food intake. I started to hide food but when my dad realised the disappointment in his face was enough to realize it wasn’t a choice I was making. What started as a way to shift a few pounds had spiralled into a trap that I hated, but somehow couldn’t get out of and failed to see the severity of it as well as the impact on everyone around me. At the time, I was also self-harming and pushing myself away from my friends, but I never felt I was doing anything out of a choice. In a way, it was as though the little girl inside of me was crying for help but the outer eating disorder exterior played it down and made me believe I was weak if I stopped now.

For me, there was never an anorexic voice in my head saying to me what to do, but it was definitely something that would tell me what I needed to or validated what I was doing. The same part of my brain that was telling me “I hate you” whenever I did something that was related to the eating disorder, would say “I’ll always be there for you.” I was the heavier one, boys were never interested in me and I thought that was because of the way I looked. But now I think it was because I was so shy because I was so scared of being who I actually was. At home, I was this crazy, outgoing, happy girl laughing all the time but then, at school I wasn’t me. I thought that having an eating disorder would make me fun and outgoing. But it didn’t.

I thought it was normal to feel this way. I did just isolate myself because it felt safe but at the same time it was the most unsafe place I have ever been. In my school, it was a rarity if you weren’t self-harming, so I guess it just felt normal and that thought is terrifying. I had a Tumblr account and there was a lot of worrying content on there, but along with listening to sad music I just found myself in a hole that felt lonely but safe, and it almost felt comfortable. I hate to admit this, but I liked being in that place. I’m an introvert at heart but I push myself to go out there and meet friends. I like being in my own place and, as narcissistic as it sounds, in the depths of an eating disorder I didn’t have to worry about anybody else because everyone else was worrying about me. As horrible as it is, I loved that.

Just because you are a few years older, it doesn’t mean that your eating disorder is no less consuming than when you were younger.

I got a bit better when I went to uni. I started powerlifting at university and I gained really good friends. That was definitely a turning point because I needed to eat in order to be able to go to the gym. I also met all these brilliant people and I didn’t want them to know me as the girl with an eating disorder. Going out for dinner was also a big part of the powerlifting community because they loved food. However, I started to compete and needed to weigh myself, which I hadn’t done for 4 years. After that, everything spiralled. Two of my friends were worried and suggested me to go back to the doctors where, once again, I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia. It really hurt to hear those words. I didn’t want to feel inadequate or like I needed to explain myself again, so I never went back. As it was adult services, I wasn’t forced to stay and receive treatment. To be honest, I think is fair because they can’t baby you anymore, but equally, just because you are a few years older it doesn’t mean that your eating disorder is no less consuming than when you were younger. I guess I muddled through. I ate but my eating was really disordered. I wouldn’t go out for dinner, I didn’t really enjoy drinking, so I thought I was just anti-social. The reason I didn’t want to see my friends was because I was so self-conscious, I didn’t want them to think I put on weight, be watched eating, or lack the control over every morsel of food that entered my mouth.

February last year, just before COVID, I got very bad. I moved to Cambridge, I didn’t have many friends there, started a new job and my masters. It just got to the point where if I was home alone, I was self-harming and feeling quite suicidal. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I didn’t want to ring my parents. I then rang a random psychiatrist in Cambridge and said I just needed help. I was then diagnosed with atypical anorexia, body dysmorphia, generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. I came out overwhelmed because I was tired of being given a label but no support in moving away from them. However, after about 10 months of intensive EMDR, I started to feel better.

I would like to believe that full recovery is possible, but then I think I have learnt so much from my journey and it has made me who I am today, so I’m not sure I will ever been fully recovered. I don’t have an eating disorder anymore, but I am still reliant on exercise, disordered eating patterns, and struggle with body dysmorphia. In a weird way, I find comfort in the body dysmorphia diagnosis as it helps me rationalise that what I see might not actually be what I truly look like. Some people may feel they’ve reached recovery and I think that’s a fantastic thing. But for me, it is about sitting somewhere you are happy and recognizing that not every day is perfect for somebody in this world. Everybody wakes up and sometimes they are not content with the way they look.

Everyone’s got this idea of what a perfect recovery is, but it surely looks different for everyone.

I wish I had known being skinny wasn't as glamorous as it seemed. I thought I was going to have a lot of friends, everyone would love me, I would be attractive and never have a day where I wouldn’t feel happy. I now know that’s not the case. You lose all your friends, nobody wants to go on a date with you because they’ll know you don’t want to eat, you are boring because all you want to talk about is food. There is so much anxiety around every situation that everything is just clouded. I’ve got the coping mechanisms now and I can recognize when I don’t feel well. I would ring my mum, my boyfriend or a friend just to voice it and keep going on with my day. I think my ideal has also changed: before I wanted to be as skinny as possible and now, I want to be athletic and strong. I can only achieve that if I’m eating.

I have always been super open about my experience because that’s the only way for other people to be comfortable and feel they can share how they are feeling, too. The Full of Beans podcast was a way to reach out other people and hear different experiences. I think there is a big gap in the market, and I needed to create a safe space where we could freely and openly discuss about our journey with disordered eating. There is more awareness around mental health, and people have started to realise the impact and how serious EDs are, but we need to keep speaking up, and there is so much more to learn!

I like to think that my ED has equipped me with skills for life. I wouldn’t be here doing what I’m doing otherwise. I’m so highly driven and such a high achiever I don’t settle for anything other than the best, and that’s been really positive for my career and education. It just made me more mindful, more aware of who I am. My friends now are the best friends I ever had because they genuinely love the way I am. My parents are my best friends and have been - still are- incredibly supportive and understanding throughout the whole journey. It is good to think that one day I can be fully recovered. But at the same time is another expectation to put on myself, it is another perfectionist thing. Everyone’s got this idea of what a perfect recovery is, but it surely looks different for everyone.

The Full of Beans Podcast (@thefobpodcast) is a space where Hannah speaks and discusses about mental health and eating disorders by sharing experiences and having conversations with other people in order to raise awareness and stop the stigma around eating disorders. More info can de found here.