HANNA

My -then- boyfriend suggested to call my mum because it was a “girl’s problem”

The idea that being skinny is the right thing unconsciously stuck with me

“I‘ve always had a healthy relationship with food because I’d always been training and working out, so I’d been able to eat a lot. I never thought about carbohydrates or protein, I was just focused on getting a varied diet. To be honest, I didn’t eat a lot of junk or fast food, but I allowed myself to eat big quantities. However, I remember when I was 11 I was complimented on my weight loss. I was just 11!! The idea that being skinny is the right thing unconsciously stuck with me; I never thought of it until I understood that it is a snowflake becoming a bigger snowball with the pass of the years.

When I came to the UK in February 2019, I started to be anxious about my appearance and I thought about losing some weight for quite a while. One day, I ate a lot of candy and it gave me so much anxiety that I went and tried to throw it up. I don’t know how many times I tried until it worked. I just couldn’t handle being this big anymore. After that, I bought a weight scale, burning fat pills that I took 3 times a day and within 2 weeks my weight drastically went down.”

My disorder is unspecified and goes much deeper than just being sad

“The first psychiatrist I visited told me I wasn't a priority because I wasn’t underweight. It feels like if you don’t tick all the boxes you are “supposed” to, you won’t get help. It was hard to hear because I was already ashamed of it, so accepting I had a problem, asking for help and being ignored was incredibly painful. I had experienced emotionally and verbally abusive relationships in my family, so I decided to go to a psychiatrist and psychologist that knew about my medical history with depression. It did help in a way, but treatment is mainly focused on medication. I was given antidepressants usually prescribed for people struggling with bulimia. Well, I don’t really understand how that should help me because I have anorexic and bulimic tendencies, but my disorder is unspecified and goes much deeper than just being sad.

I did get better during the summer, but there is always this satisfaction of losing weight that I’m still struggling with. Now it is also about my surroundings, what people think or what triggers it that I don’t know it triggers it. Lockdown has been hard. I have always been weight training so for me, it is really triggering not to be able to do it. I need to accept the fact that I may not be able to work out and that’s ok. In my head being skinny is not about how I feel inside, because to me skinny means going out for a run 4 times a week, but that’s not how I’m going to maintain a good mental health. Being strong is when I feel the best.”

Every story is different and ultimately, totally personal

“I wish there was more education and information about mental health, especially about how eating disorders are not a teenage girl problem. I remember the first time I made myself sick, I talked about it to my –then- boyfriend and he suggested to call my mum because it was a girl’s problem. That’s probably the worst assumption I have ever heard because it is not about gender or sexuality, it is not based on that at all. It can literally affect anyone, and most importantly, there is no specific way of looking like someone who suffer from a mental illness. I think it is a highly stigmatized problem because of its taboos. You can be surrounded by people who struggle with an eating disorder and they just wouldn't know because of the lack of information. It isn’t just bulimia, anorexia or young girls. Every story is different and ultimately, completely personal. It is necessary to bring this topic into a spotlight of awareness by speaking about different stories and experiences. If you think that you are the only one who has problems and struggles, you are completely wrong. You are just another damn human being walking on this earth with a disease. Like many other people! Right now, I’m my own worst enemy. I try to remind myself that is not about me being weak or incapable. I know I’m not special because I’m not the only one struggling with my mental health, and I want to believe that sharing my journey will help others to realize we’re all in the same boat.”

Hanna is currently recovering from an unspecified eating disorder, most commonly known as OSFED (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder). OSFED accounts for the highest percentage of eating disorders, and anyone of any age, gender, ethnicity or background can experience it. It is every bit as serious as anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, and can develop from or into another diagnosis. For more information visit: Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder (OSFED) - Beat (beateatingdisorders.org.uk)