GIULIA

I’d rather die in a surgery room than being fat.

I wanted to be anorexic because it would be the only way to not eat and get thinner.

I was obese for a long time, mainly when I was 17 years old. I would eat too much quantities and all kind of foods. People would make jokes of me and I was treated as the fat girl. I wasn’t comfortable with it and tried to change the way I looked. I would start diets but after 3 days I was starving so I started eating again. I didn’t know what to do because I could not stop eating and it just felt wrong. There have been times of my life where I wanted to be anorexic because it would be the only way to not eat and get thinner.

I don’t care about how many surgeries I have to go through if the final outcome is getting what I need.

In 2017, I went to Milan and had my first bariatric surgery, a gastric bending that reduced the size of my stomach. I made this choice for myself because I didn’t want to be fat, but it is obviously influenced by society and its norms. 2 years later, in December 2019 the bending stopped working, so I gained weight again. I moved to the UK to study Journalism and during the time here, I gained even more weight until the point I was 105kg. As diets weren’t working and I couldn’t lose weight by myself, I decided to go to the surgery room again in September 2020. My stomach got reduced an 80% and I lost almost 40 kg.

There is always a team of psychologists and dietitians that follow your journey after the intervention and check everything is going well. However, there are some rules that I need to strictly follow. I can’t eat and drink at the same time, I can only take small amounts as I quickly feel full. If I eat too much or do something I shouldn’t my stomach rejects it by vomiting. So I need to be careful in order not to be sick, which usually happens once or twice a week. It can be painful but surgery is totally worth it for me because has been the only way to achieve my goal.

My biggest fear is not being in pain, dying in a surgery or vomiting. My biggest fear is being fat. When I’m fat I feel disgusted. A very close person to me told me that I looked like a pig and that thought has stayed with me ever since. A part of my mind keeps telling me that I can’t be fat again because I’ll lose everything I have already achieved. I don’t care about how many surgeries I have to go through if the final outcome is getting what I need.

The burden of my body, the pressure and the feeling of not fitting in would kill me anyways.

I want to be slim because society will accept me. I know it is bad to say but it is the truth for me, it is the way I see it. No matter where you are, being slim will always be accepted. People look at you in a different way at work, family, friends… people who love you even treat you differently. I’m happy now and I could stop losing weight, but I want to lose more. One eating disorder is gone because I don’t binge anymore and I’m not overweight, but now I have developed another one which is the obsession of not becoming fat. I don’t know how to name it or what really is. In my mind, being slim it is cool, because if you are cool, you’ll be more respected. If I gain weight again, I will get another surgery. I’d rather die in a surgery room than being fat. The burden of my body, the pressure and the feeling of not fitting in would kill me anyways.

Some people don’t understand my urge of going into a surgery room. The same people who wonder and question why I want to go through that, are the same ones that have made fun of me and have celebrated my weight loss. There is a lot of anger and frustration inside me because of the bullying I have been through. I have a lot of personal issues that are still unresolved and that’s why I now value much more my surroundings, what kind of people I relate with and my social circle. Going away from certain people is sometimes the only thing you need to be sane.

I don’t want people to suffer, I want people to listen to my story and understand what has brought me until here.

I had a difficult childhood and would usually go to the country side near my home to read Harry Potter. Books have always been my escape, where I could connect and really be myself. When I was kid I daydreamt about living in England. I’m finally living in London and I fell in love with it, this city means a lot. I like going out to explore its streets, get lost and write. This is the very first time in years I’m getting to know myself. I also created a blog where I post about my experiences and my relationship with food. I want to openly speak about eating disorders, but the moment I mention the word, everybody thinks I’m triggering it. I don’t want people to suffer, I want people to listen to my story and understand what has brought me until here. I have been thinking about getting in touch with others who have similar experiences and share our journey. I want to show my strength, I have been through a lot of bad experiences in my life and I’m still here, doing what I love, pursing my dream job and I’m determined to speak the truth.